Post by Shawn Cage on Mar 28, 2015 14:42:17 GMT -5
Behind the Laughter: The Shawn Alexander Cage Story.
ORIGINALLY AIRED: March 32nd, 2022
… In the future, March has 32 days due to a bill that Hillary Clinton passed before being shot to death.
Narrator: “The year will soon be 2015. Shawn Cage's star is on the rise. Formerly of international fame, he has jumped ship to a young, up-and-coming federation gaining immense notoriety - Wrestle Pro.”
Clips roll of Shawn Cage wrestling atop many wrestling ring canvas for other promotions. They quickly transition to a compilation of Shawn's porn career and him railing many famous adult films actresses in the ass. You know you'll probably Google it. I suggest the one with Bonnie Rotten or Christy Mack.
| Hologram of John Lennon |
“Shawn Cage was bigger than Jesus.”
Yes. Yes, he was.
| Shawn Cage (2008) |
“I’M RICH, BITCH.”
| Dave Chappelle |
“Is it true that Shawn Cage thought up the Rick James skit?…”
| Shawn Cage |
“Dave Chappelle’s a fucking phoney. Don’t even get me started on Dave Chappelle.”
| Dave Chappelle |
“Yeah. It’s true.”
| Shawn Cage |
“FUCKING PHONEY.”
| Narrator |
“Shawn Cage was a superstar. Everywhere he went, people knew his name. People Magazine had just named the wrestler as number 9 on their 100 Hottest Males list. It seemed that everything was going right for Shawn Cage. His popularity level had risen to such heights that he was even approached by Playboy to do a centerfold spread.”
| Shawn Cage |
“When Playboy approached me to do a centerfold spread… I was shocked. I mean, normally if somebody in a suit comes up to you and asks you to drop your pants and flap your cock around in front of a camera so dudes can jerk their shit to it, you’re a little offended. But this was Playboy. MOTHER FUCKING PLAYBOY. I almost said yes but my agent said it probably would’ve been a bad PR move. To this day I regret declining that offer.”
| Hugh Hefner |
“Hold on a second. Shawn Cage is a dude? Are you sure? Maybe I should get my eyes checked”
| Kobe Bryant|
“Shawn Cage, truly a masterpiece to hold. Beyond all that is feared, beyond the greatest leader of any time. A mastermind, no doubt -- any word he says, to sway a crowd. Reminds me of the man who swayed Germany with a twist of his tongue.”
| Adam Lambert |
“Every woman wanted him, and every man wanted to be him. Hell even a few of them wanted him as well.”
| Dakota Fanning |
“I was a little hesitant when he asked me out, because he was 40 at the time and I was, well… only 18. Also, because he had reportedly slept with over 6000 women in and out of the adult film industry and had AIDS and got knows what other STDs. But I couldn’t say no because he was just that big of a celebrity. He was so sweet, and so charming, too. Nobody could resist him. And then we slept together.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Fuck yeah, I humped Dakota Fanning. The tightest pussy I’ve ever had. MMMMM, MMMM, MUHFUCKA~!”
| Dakota Fanning |
“He never did call me back, but my God, what a cock he had. It was the size of a U-Haul van -- not exaggerating.”
| Elvis Presley |
“I came out of hiding to hang with Shawn, we smoked pot together... and then Mother Theresa came back from the dead and pulled us both up from a Memphis dark alley by our earlobes and made us listen for three hours about God and repenting our sins. “
| Narrator |
“Shawn Cage was on top of the world. In wrestling circles, and in the national media, he was treated like royalty. But behind closed doors, the superstar was on a very slippery slope.. And no, We're not referring to your Mom's vagina.”
| Amy Marshall |
“Drugs. A LOT of drugs.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Yeah, I did a recreational drug or two -- so what?”
| Sasha Grey |
“The dude was ALWAYS high.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Always high? Ha. Yeah right. You were pretty high and you were bouncing all over my cock. ”
| GOD |
“He's a man with unlimited potential and has the ability to withstand incredible amounts of pain and humiliation. He'd have to at his age, his initials are SAC, as in my nuts.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Even GOD himself wanted to be friends with the SAC.”
| Chuck Norris |
“Shawn is my inspiration, all I have to do is think.. What would Shawn Cage do? And then I can take anyone down with one hit. “
And thus.. WWCD was born.. It became so popular that Jesus had to steal it for those things called Christians to use.
| Jesus Christ |
“It's true, I stole WWJD from Shawn Alexander Cage.. I mean I had too, with membership slipping and people losing faith.. I needed a new catch phrase and Cage had the perfect miracle for me to steal and use as my own.”
| Ryan Reynolds |
“I remember that year he showed at the Oscars with Jessica Biel… she was only invited because she was hot, so it only made sense for her to bring someone like him. Anyway, he walked through the door at the Kodak just pinned out of his tree. He was shaking and sweating like a pedophile in the clink. I’m pretty sure he pissed himself that night.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Hahah. Yeah, I remember that night. Jess let me do her in the ass. Well, she was asleep. But she didn‘t say no.. Well it's hard to say No after being hit in the head with a brick and being gagged… but that‘s consensual -- right?”
| Bonnie Rotten|
“He has no idea what the words 'you need to be 500 yards away at all time' mean”
| Kayley Hale|
“He's a... very scary man...” Kayley said while she looked around nervously with her hands covering her ass.
| Michelle Beadle|
“I remember him, He’s that pervert that kept hitting on me when I was trying to do an interview.. He had a one tracked mind and wanted to use the camera to tape something I’m not willing to talk about right now.”
| Narrator |
“It seemed there was nothing anybody could do about the spiraling personal life of the affluent superstar..”
| Alexis Cage (Daughter of Shawn Cage) |
“It all really started after he saw his career slipping away, He wasn't famous anymore.. His career in porn had stalled and there weren't many places calling him for appearances and matches anymore.”
| Ron Jeremy |
“Shawn Alexander Cage? Who? “
| Paul Heyman |
“Well, you see, when he had the belt around his waist he felt like he was still a King in the minds of the media and all the fans. But behind closed doors he was a complete mess.”
| Narrator |
“A mess, indeed. Friends begged for Shawn to attend some sort of rehabilitation center. But the superstar wouldn‘t listen.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Rehab is for quitters.”
| Peter North |
“I pleaded with the guy to get help.”
| David Beckham |
“We all did. We begged him to try to correct the problem. It didn’t help matters that we had been pumping him full of steroids. So every time somebody would bring up the drug abuse, he’d just go on a tirade and repeatedly punch Lindsay Lohan in the face.”
| Lindsay Lohan |
“I still remember his temper tantrums. He’d go ape shit on me.”
| Brett Farve |
“Poor girl.”
| Jessica Alba |
“I always felt bad for Lindsay.”
| Chris Tucker |
“Right, left, right, right, left. HAHAH. MAN, that was funny shit.”
| Lindsay Lohan |
“It was understandable -- he was under a lot of stress.. And I did snort the last of the cocaine..”
| Shawn Cage |
“Lindsay Lohan's a fucking FIRE CROTCH BITCH!!!.”
| Jonah Hill|
“Nobody really paid attention to the incessant beat downs, and Lindsay was always fine. Shawn footed more than a couple bills for her to get her nose fixed, though.”
| Shawn Cage |
“I popped that bitch so many times her nose is STILL fucked up.. She can claim it's the coke all the wants. I made it up to her, though. Numerous times. I’ve fucked that fire twat of her's more than I’ve hugged my fucking grandmother.”
| Narrator |
“But soon afterwards, Shawn Cage’s popularity began to shrink. Suddenly, he wasn’t as appealing a personality. Women no longer flocked to him. It seemed the novelty had worn off. Shawn Cage was -- dare we say it -- no longer funny, It is after all no laughing matter when you're on a losing streak, running from creditors, owing people money left and right, and becoming paranoid after years of drug abuse.”
| Shawn Cage |
“I don’t know what happened. It was like I was fucking Superman, and then, one day, I woke up and it was all gone.”
| John Pariah |
“It was bad. It was really bad. He was showing up to work hung over, drunk, stoned -- you name it. Dude was a mess.”
| Drew Emerald of The Joker's Wild |
“It got to a point where some of the guys actually had to sit him down and say, ‘look man, we fucking hate you…’”
…
| Frank Washington of The Joker's Wild |
“Yeah… that was pretty much all we told him.”
| Dan Herrera |
“After we all told Shawn that we pretty much hated him, not for the drugs or the booze, just because we did -- we fuckin’ couldn’t stand the guy… he, uh kind of hit rock bottom.”
| Shawn Cage |
“Rock bottom? Nah. I didn’t hit rock bottom. Unless you call buckin’ rails off of Jack in the Box toilet seats, and having unprotected sex with underpaid, possibly underage migrant prostitutes named Britney Spears hitting rock bottom, then yeah -- I hit rock bottom. Fuck that -- I didn‘t hit rock bottom, and I'm still waiting on that Child Support, Miss Spears!.”
| Kevin Federline |
"He's the reason I dumped Britney Spears.. I sometimes wonder if these kids I'm paying Child Support on are mine or his.."
| Zack Lifer|
“The guy was off his fucking rocker.”
| Chuck Matthews |
“We drew the line when he came down to the ring pinned on acid, naked for a match on live television. Yeah… it had to end somewhere.”
| Shawn Cage |
“I still can’t believe those pricks fired my ass. I made that promotion what it fucking was. Just because I came down to the ring with my balls hanging out with ‘SUCK IT’ Sharpied on my ass doesn’t mean they fire my ass.. I should of sued.”
| Narrator |
“Shawn Cage had officially hit rock bottom. It wasn’t until everyone in his life offered him an ultimatum that the superstar decided it was time to check himself into a rehabilitation clinic. Coming up on Behind the Laughter: Shawn Cage is released from rehab with a newfound outlook on life.”
| Joe Rogan |
“We were all like, WHHAAAAATTT?”
| Shawn Cage |
“I guess I always knew on some level that I was gay.”
| The Ghost of Gary Coleman |
“Yeah, I found out that Shawn was gay when he came up to me at some party downtown. He looked like he wanted to fight, but then he started hittin’ on me. I was like, ‘whatchu talkin’ bout, foo?’”
| Jason David Frank |
“I couldn’t FUCKING believe it.”
| Shawn Cage |
“So, I was like, ‘listen, dick chops, it‘s fucking easy. It‘s like cock push-ups. You lie on your stomach and let your cock push you up..’ … Yeah….”
| Narrator |
“Coming up on Behind the Laughter...”
